So, it has been a long time since I've written anything here. I had another blog for a while under Roanne Blackheart, but I shut that one down about 2 years ago during a purge. But guess what. As most of us discover the purge doesn't work. We try, very hard hoping not to disappoint ourselves. But purging who we are deep down is no better than trying to keep a New Years resolution. We are who we are. Chain me in the dungeon in the darkest part of the castle if you will. But my cry's in the night will haunt your sleep and disturb your days.
So here I am again, back to a place of choice. People say that the Transgender person has no choice in their being different. It is true that I was born with the brain that is non-conforming with the body it lives in. But I do have a choice. That choice is to accept who and what I am in truth or to try and convince myself through denial that conforming to the expectations of others defines my identity. It is that later choice that causes a purge. I can say that it is an exhausting proposition at best. It takes an enormous amount of effort and energy to maintain a persona that will live up to the expectation of parents, spouse, children, employers, friends, pastors, etc. And in the end one cannot satisfy everyone. Hope fades into oblivion and I become a stiff emotionless time bomb.
At some point the fuse burns down to the point where all the pent up anxiety, desire and denied hope is mixed together like gun powder. Those emotions can no longer be contained and begin to expand uncontrollably faster than one can imagine. Everyone is hurt in the process. Nope, the purge does not work. Of course, you probably could of told me that.
