Not So Sweet Emotion

     Been very emotional in recent weeks. One might say I'm moody or melodramatic. I've become somewhat withdrawn again realizing that no matter what I do to make others around me content, happy or satisfied most people will always find something to complain about. Of course in the Hospitality Business that is just part of the job. I can accept that we cannot please all of the people all of the time. But it's the passive aggressive individual that comes lashing out at me that really throw me for a loop. The set you up with questions that make little sense and when you don't kiss their ass then lunch out at you on a personal level. I loose sleep over those situations. I shouldn't, but I do. Mostly because I don't usually take that kind of a tongue lasing sitting down. I'm an easy going live let live kind of person until attacked on a personal level. Then I go from Calm Water to Volcanic Hell in a flash. 

     But the encounters that really hurt, I mean really make me feel like the world is ending are the family interactions that fail. I have a very giving heart. When my son needs a tank of gas to get to work I will go fill it. My spouse wants to have work friends over for dinner? I will gladly take off from work to clean the house and cook for them. Grandchildren, I do what is needed for them and sometime what is wanted by them out of love.  There is a host of other things I do for my family till exhausted. 

     Enter a time when I want to have a discussion or need comfort; nope - to busy scanning Facebook on their smart phone. I'm not feeling good. Dam me that I didn't want to eat dinner with everyone else. I'm hot in the car and falling asleep at the wheel, how dare I turn on the air conditioner because someone else will be chilled. My body is falling apart but I'm still expected to do the physical labors that I did when I was 20. These type of situations that erupt into a  Tony award quality drama fests are slowly eroding my confidence. I trust few people. Even fewer in my family. But the one that hurts the most is when my spouse talks about the trans person (trans man) at work, extols their virtue, and uses her relationship with him to watch the dogs so that I can drive her out of state to see her mom. I'm very glad she is so accepting of trans people. You all would love her. Expect when it come to me. 

I'm not to even bring it up. 

     I was told by a trans friend some time ago, not to expect that my spouse or family would respect me in the same light as she does every other trans person. Once again - it's too personal. It a personal emotion that is cracking inside me. A feeling of being isolated and alone while being at a beck and call of others. A feeling that, "Shouldn't I at lest be respected and listened to in light that I have given them so much?" Why must they respond with such a quip of sarcasm or drama at me. Can't I have a calming soothing concerned dialogue with my children or spouse? Hell no, I am not entitled to that. When I express my displeasure it is reported to my therapist. . Sometime it just pours out before I can think. Most of the time I hold things very tight till I can be thoughtful, but other times I'm just gasping for air or for a drink of cold water in the emotional realm. Yeah, I tend to be emotional; always have been. I have tried so many things to keep my irrational emotions in check. Things like hobbies, meditation, music and study of the Word of God. But I fail. Maybe tomorrow I will succeed. 

     

Long Trains Running

Yea! That was a great song. And yes - I've been on a very long running train. Been years I guess since I've blogged anything. Not much has really changed or happened to me. I passed the big 60 for age and continue pushing on in life, caring for grandchildren and parents. As a matter of fact most of the people in my age bracket have found themselves in the same situation. Caring for children and their parents - setting aside their golden years. I won't be able to retire anytime soon and figure I will pass away on the job.

I's weird, I've never really feared death ever in my life, being assured and comforted by various christian doctrines and teachings. I've always had total faith that my last breath on earth will end with my first breath in the presence of Jesus. But last night, out of nowhere it seemed I had an episode of anxiety about death. A fear gripping me like I have never felt. A doubt of faith? No. More like a regret of having achieved what I want in this life and being without the resources to ever accomplish said goals. A realization that at 60 I am halfway to 120 - which is the most anyone might live, but more than likely far less time available to me.

So what are my goals. First off to be able to set clear goals without being so ADHD about them. Secondly - transition. But that is an unreachable goal unless I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with my spouse, remaining son, parents, brothers, friends and grandchildren. Sure - I could scrape together the money, the energy, will power and endurance for the process. I've had to do many hard things. But the one thing I cannot bring myself to do is to disappoint so many others who have invested in my life so far. I cannot accept the idiom of self first. I was raised to put others first. It wouldn't be so bad if it were not for the fact that those others always seemed to be disappointed with me, or at the very least happy only for the moment and then suddenly want more.

And so I go on. Hopefully I'll connect more often then once in a couple of years. OR See ya when this train turns 65.

Hugs
Roanne.