The Talk

Many of us in the Transgender Community use Facebook on a regular basis to connect with each other.  It’s a great way of support and encouraging one another. But it can present some dangers to us in that there are some people that we may not want to see out profile just yet.  That happened to me recently.

I was sitting at the computer in my recording studio when my wife walked in, held up her cell phone and asked me, “Who is this? Do you know this person?”  There on her cell phone was Facebook recommending me “Roanne Montgomery” as a potential friend.  I could feel the blood drain from my whole body, even as my heart started racing and my hands went limp. “O. M. G!” A thousand thoughts raced through my mind. “The jig is up” echoed in my head. I slowly and deliberately took her phone in my hands, turned it so that we both could see the display. As Mr. Weasly said to Harry Potter just before he went into his Ministry of Magic hearing, “. . . . The Truth will out!”  And so yes I had been outed by Facebook. As we both looked at the profile I said in a very calm and controlled voice, “That is my secret.”

 There had been many times over the years where I would have panic and dysphoria attacks where she would notice and ask me if I was OK. I would just brush it off by saying; I have issues, deep issues in my heart. I told her someday I would talk with her about it but I wasn’t ready yet. Well, that day had now arrived. “That is me, I’m Roanne Montgomery.” She just looked at me blankly, as if I was pulling an April fools joke in September. Then she suddenly took in what I was really saying. “You’re Trans?" I had express that to her before, but clearly she hadn't taken it seriously. She continued, "I was going to ask if it was a distant relative or yours on the Montgomery side.”  I thought to myself oh crap. Did I just shoot myself in the foot? No, it was time to get this out. I had been trying to soften her up for a about a year or so by this time, bringing up the issues of Transgender and Gender Dysphoria so that she would be well educated about it. I really had for years wanted to be able to confide in her and talk about it with her. She really is that important to me as a partner. Being an extremely conservative Christian she was not at all compassionate towards our community. And she was not interested in taking the initiative to learn about these types of social issues. She had actually had a close trans M to F friend decades ago, but was so naïve about it that she never even notice. She had even roomed with this person at a retreat after the person had SRS. I had notice because I recognized some of the same symptoms in my own life, but didn’t really understand what it really was until years later when I began to read up on it on the web. Over the last few years we had many discussions about the subject and she became more educated about it and gained more empathy and compassion for Trans folks. Even at work she befriended a Female to Male person and invited him to dog sit for us.

Shaking in my socks, I closed out the project I was working on and escorted her to the living room where we sat down to have The Talk. We spent the remainder of the evening in the exchange of how I felt like a woman, wanted to be a woman, dressed like a woman and went out public on days when I was home and she went to work. We talked about my Facebook friends and my posts. She questioned me extensively on where I got my wardrobe and how I had shaved legs, arms and chest.What size of bra did I wear, how long had I felt this way, why did I get married if I felt like a woman, did I expect that she would be a Lesbian, etc?  We agreed that our children would never accept me as a trans person, nor would any of the family. Mostly she wanted to know how much money had I spent and did I still want to be married.  The one thing I found more disturbing is that although she listened, I  felt as though she really expressed minimal concern about my feelings or Psyche well being; or  how my trying to adapt to being born male and feeling out of place all the time. She did not accept that my dressing and going out was a way to cope with my issues.  In the end,  she strongly suggested that I shut down the Facebook account; which I did. She also discouraged me from  ever again being Roanne. She does not want to have any type of relationship with "Roanne" which I find hurtful since she has a good relationship with her trans friend at work. She did not want to see any of the photos of me, and wanted me to delete every reference of who I am in the world. She wanted to make sure that every item had been purged from my life. An ultimatum of either be the man she married or fix yourself to be the man she married. I sensed a threat of divorce in her disposition.   If you choose Roanne we are over. And never ever spend another dime of our ( interpreted as her) money for this again.

So this is where I am today. I have tried to comply in everyway to make her happy. But in our therapy sessions it seems that there is more that I need to do. After a couple of months I am approaching a meltdown point.  I don't know what else I can do to make our relationship work. For years we have lived more like room mates than a married couple in love. While she accepts other people who are transgender, she still has abhorrence and micro-aggressive disposition toward the community, (just expressed at me today) and a total dismissal of my feelings. Now, whenever I show signs of dysphoria she takes it as if I’m upset with her, or her handling of our bank account. A Trans-friend of mine here in NH told me some time ago that she would react this way and that we all have to make the decision of what will we do. I continue on because I have a strong belief in fulfilling the vows I have made including our marriage vows. Also because of our grandchildren. I've already lost 1 child and his children by their rejection I don't want to lose anymore in my life. So, as this started when I was a child so it is today for me. Every night with tears in my eyes praying to my God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and hoping that I can get through the next day. Waking up into what seems like a never ending nightmare.

 

Therapy

     After a few months of therapy sessions that centered on my spouses fears and concerns we got into some muck last night. At the start of our session she announced to our therapist that I "keep my emotion, personality and other secrets buried so deep in my psyche that I live in a manner of just acting my way through life." It is a true statement that we had talked about last week in private. I do pretty much “Act” and attempt to portray the type of person that others expect me to be. It is what I learned to do from a very young age. I felt kind of blindsided by her sharing that - but I know it has got to be let out. Months ago I was ready to talk about that aspect of my life, even ready to come out. But the sessions had gone a different direction. Now, my/our therapist started asking some very pointed questions about my past and what in it could have me keeping my feelings so locked away. What is so bad that I can’t let it out. 

      In a New York moment I found myself teetering on the edge of a precipice. I felt very vulnerable, just behind a veil that was about to be torn away.  I could feel the tears just behind the curtain of my eyes ready to burst forth. Do I just blurt it out? As questions insured about my families attitudes I did mention how they were very afraid of “Homosexuals” and their ties to Pot. I even shared about my MtF cousin who had transitioned and was completely cut off from the family until his death a couple of years ago. I partly shared those points to see how my therapist and spouse would react. What I did learn was to never play poker with them. I could hear the woman within screaming at me to just tell them. For a moment I was there ready to open the door to the pit and throw down the rope. I considered all I have read and played a data burst in my head of the reveals that some others people had gone through; breakdowns, unkindly outed,  formal letters, etc. Thoughts of every aspect of my life raced around. My commitments, what people expected of me, what my spouse expected of me, what consequences would be and what I had experienced before at the hands of mental health professional who betrayed me. etc.

      But the moment passed as I rationalized and enacted restraint out of fear. Thus the conversation was steered by my spouse in the direction of the abusive, violent, militaristic and raciest experiences I had in my youth. She elaborated on what she had experienced and witnessed in the family during our early years of marriage. These are occurrences that I had long forgotten about. Things that had been done to me and against me; and my acts of rebellion caused by intense teenage emotions and angst.  Reviewing the learned behaviors that I had acted out, without self-control and the consequences that ensued. It was a needed conversation and productive; perhaps more than I realize and a pre-requisite to letting my real-self emerge. It left me shaken and shaking into the time of dinner. Overall – I indeed hope it is a step to becoming a whole person.

THE PURGE

     So, it has been a long time since I've written anything here. I had another blog for a while under Roanne Blackheart, but I shut that one down about 2 years ago during a purge. But guess what. As most of us discover the purge doesn't work. We try, very hard hoping not to disappoint ourselves. But purging who we are deep down is no better than trying to keep a New Years resolution. We are who we are. Chain me in the dungeon in the darkest part of the castle if you will. But my cry's in the night will haunt your sleep and disturb your days.
     So here I am again, back to a place of choice. People say that the Transgender person has no choice in their being different. It is true that I was born with the brain that is non-conforming with the body it lives in. But I do have a choice. That choice is to accept who and what I am in truth or to try and convince myself through denial that conforming to the expectations of others defines my identity. It is that later choice that causes a purge. I can say that it is an exhausting proposition at best. It takes an enormous  amount of effort and energy to maintain a persona that will live up to the expectation of parents, spouse, children, employers, friends, pastors, etc. And in the end one cannot satisfy everyone. Hope fades into oblivion and I become a stiff emotionless time bomb.
     At some point the fuse burns down to the point where all the pent up anxiety, desire and denied hope is mixed together like gun powder. Those emotions can no longer be contained and begin to expand uncontrollably faster than one can imagine. Everyone is hurt in the process. Nope, the purge does not work. Of course, you probably could of told me that.