After a few months of therapy sessions
that centered on my spouses fears and concerns we got into some muck last night.
At the start of our session she announced to our therapist that I "keep my
emotion, personality and other secrets buried so deep in my psyche that I live
in a manner of just acting my way through life." It
is a true statement that we had talked about last week in private. I do pretty
much “Act” and attempt to portray the type of person that others expect me to
be. It is what I learned to do from a very young age. I felt kind of blindsided
by her sharing that - but I know it has got to be let out. Months ago I was
ready to talk about that aspect of my life, even ready to come out. But the
sessions had gone a different direction. Now, my/our therapist started asking
some very pointed questions about my past and what in it could have me keeping my
feelings so locked away. What is so bad that I can’t let it out.
In a New York moment I found myself teetering on the edge of a precipice. I felt very vulnerable, just behind a veil that was about to be torn away. I could feel the tears just behind the curtain of my eyes ready to burst forth. Do I just blurt it out? As questions insured about my families attitudes I did mention how they were very afraid of “Homosexuals” and their ties to Pot. I even shared about my MtF cousin who had transitioned and was completely cut off from the family until his death a couple of years ago. I partly shared those points to see how my therapist and spouse would react. What I did learn was to never play poker with them. I could hear the woman within screaming at me to just tell them. For a moment I was there ready to open the door to the pit and throw down the rope. I considered all I have read and played a data burst in my head of the reveals that some others people had gone through; breakdowns, unkindly outed, formal letters, etc. Thoughts of every aspect of my life raced around. My commitments, what people expected of me, what my spouse expected of me, what consequences would be and what I had experienced before at the hands of mental health professional who betrayed me. etc.
In a New York moment I found myself teetering on the edge of a precipice. I felt very vulnerable, just behind a veil that was about to be torn away. I could feel the tears just behind the curtain of my eyes ready to burst forth. Do I just blurt it out? As questions insured about my families attitudes I did mention how they were very afraid of “Homosexuals” and their ties to Pot. I even shared about my MtF cousin who had transitioned and was completely cut off from the family until his death a couple of years ago. I partly shared those points to see how my therapist and spouse would react. What I did learn was to never play poker with them. I could hear the woman within screaming at me to just tell them. For a moment I was there ready to open the door to the pit and throw down the rope. I considered all I have read and played a data burst in my head of the reveals that some others people had gone through; breakdowns, unkindly outed, formal letters, etc. Thoughts of every aspect of my life raced around. My commitments, what people expected of me, what my spouse expected of me, what consequences would be and what I had experienced before at the hands of mental health professional who betrayed me. etc.
But
the moment passed as I rationalized and enacted restraint out of
fear. Thus the conversation was steered by my spouse in the direction of the
abusive, violent, militaristic and raciest experiences I had in my youth. She elaborated
on what she had experienced and witnessed in the family during our early years
of marriage. These are occurrences that I had long forgotten about. Things that
had been done to me and against me; and my acts of rebellion caused by intense
teenage emotions and angst. Reviewing
the learned behaviors that I had acted out, without self-control and the
consequences that ensued. It was a needed conversation and productive; perhaps
more than I realize and a pre-requisite to letting my real-self emerge. It left
me shaken and shaking into the time of dinner. Overall – I indeed hope it is a
step to becoming a whole person.
