Long Trains Running

Yea! That was a great song. And yes - I've been on a very long running train. Been years I guess since I've blogged anything. Not much has really changed or happened to me. I passed the big 60 for age and continue pushing on in life, caring for grandchildren and parents. As a matter of fact most of the people in my age bracket have found themselves in the same situation. Caring for children and their parents - setting aside their golden years. I won't be able to retire anytime soon and figure I will pass away on the job.

I's weird, I've never really feared death ever in my life, being assured and comforted by various christian doctrines and teachings. I've always had total faith that my last breath on earth will end with my first breath in the presence of Jesus. But last night, out of nowhere it seemed I had an episode of anxiety about death. A fear gripping me like I have never felt. A doubt of faith? No. More like a regret of having achieved what I want in this life and being without the resources to ever accomplish said goals. A realization that at 60 I am halfway to 120 - which is the most anyone might live, but more than likely far less time available to me.

So what are my goals. First off to be able to set clear goals without being so ADHD about them. Secondly - transition. But that is an unreachable goal unless I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with my spouse, remaining son, parents, brothers, friends and grandchildren. Sure - I could scrape together the money, the energy, will power and endurance for the process. I've had to do many hard things. But the one thing I cannot bring myself to do is to disappoint so many others who have invested in my life so far. I cannot accept the idiom of self first. I was raised to put others first. It wouldn't be so bad if it were not for the fact that those others always seemed to be disappointed with me, or at the very least happy only for the moment and then suddenly want more.

And so I go on. Hopefully I'll connect more often then once in a couple of years. OR See ya when this train turns 65.

Hugs
Roanne.