Just some personal thoughts today. I've been doing a lot of planting. I really love my garden and try to spend as much time in it as I can. The patio area is at long last finished and the Heather and Pansy's are in full bloom now, having been watered by our New Hampshire April showers.
What funny about this is when I was a young child I tried to help my mother plant flowers, but frequently killed them, or ended up spreading flower seeds where they didn't want them. I can remember admiring my grandmother’s roses. She always grew the most beautiful and huge roses in Southern California. My folks thought it was cute of me, but eventfully wanted me to stay out of the garden area, with the exception of watering, or trimming the grass under the fence. Since I was forbidden to have anything to do with flowers, with good reason I suppose, I grew to despise doing garden work. I began to consider it a sissy attitude to enjoy flowers, or gardening. But deep down I always enjoyed smelling their aroma. I recall how wonderful the floats at the Rose Parade smelled as they would pass by.
When we bought our first house I was suddenly tasked to finish off our back yard. At first I thought it would be a drag and was severely depressed about having to step into a role that had been left behind as a child. But as I got started that seed within me was cultivated itself and began to take root. Before I knew it I was thoroughly enjoying taking care my yard. When I was done it looked like a mountain retreat with perennial flowers and evergreens. I’m now working on the back yard of our second house. It has helped me to keep my mind off of the other restrictions (and denials) that my spouse has placed upon my femininity. It is another way I can express who I am other than simply high heels and make up. I may not be 100% comfortable in my skin, but I’m leaning more about who I really am inside. Every time I go out now and sit among my plants and terraces it gives validation to my feminine ambitions.
I look to the future now with anticipation that the rainy season in my life will soon pass. That the full flower of femininity will burst forth from the bud of my heart. Maybe soon a beautiful and sweet aroma which will flow out of my life and into the lives of others, bring them joy and peace, if even only for a moment.
Hugs
Roanne
